Sleepyhead

Going...Going...
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Gone!
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Gotta Pee

The short story below reminds me of an incident from high school. My two friends and I were tooling around town in my 1973 Volkswagon Super Beetle and we had to pee. We knew that if we went home our moms would make us call it a night, so we pulled into the parking lot of the local recreation area / lake to relieve ourselves. While my friends were in the full-squat position the police car that had stealthily followed us into the parking lot snapped on their lights. The reflection from the double-moons must have almosted blinded the poor officers. As we madly drove away I heard the cop yell, "HEY!!! GET BACK HERE AND PICK UP THIS TOILET PAPER!!!" I think they were actually napkins from the drive-thru...he obviously wasn't a detective. To top it all off, my boyfriend asked me the next day if I was peeing at Lake Paron because his mother heard it on the scanner! That's what living in a small town is all about. Lucky for our kids the scanners tuned to the local police force are filled with chatter about hold-ups at Burger King and Tye's Pies.
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It's too bad the P-Mate hadn't been invented yet. It would have been helpful for us and for the ladies in the story.
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http://www.pmateusa.com/


Two lady friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten overenthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped at a cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties and used them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. Fortunately, she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she decided to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded home.

The next morning one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girls' nights outs have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"You think that's bad?" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "
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The Ants Go Marching One By One, Hurrah

Last weekend we had a wonderful time out at camp, until Sunday night when we noticed 20+ huge winged ants walking back and forth on the trim under the ridge. An exciting period of search and destroy ensued, followed by Bernie standing on a bar stool balanced on two chairs to take down the ceiling fan and remove the trim. Even after taking down a bunch of ceiling tiles we didn't find much to worry about so we were foolishly hoping that the structure of our house hadn't been eaten away and a roof cave-in was not imminent.

Bernie and Ben went out to camp tonight with the new ceiling material and took down the rest of the old ceiling. Although they didn't find the dreaded structural damage, they did find hundreds of ants. Yuck.

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Me Encanta (Update)

I was finally successful in uploading the video of Aliya on Poetry Night.

http://lockmommy.blogspot.com/2008/04/me-encanta.html
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Jelly Bean - G-Rated Video, R-Rated Text

Update: Chuck, don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm not a man-hater. There are plenty of men I like or even love. It's a good thing you're not a fly on the wall at Mommies' Night Out. Your ego would never be the same. ;-)

Some of you will take this the wrong way, but it has to be said. When God was handing out brains, Adam thought he said "stains" and said, "No thanks, I've got plenty on my sheets and underwear already." I've chronicled the proof in my email series called "Men are Stupid". Like the time when I was pregnant and I sent Ben to Target to buy Preparation H and he came home with Ben-Gay. Hey - They both come in a tube, right? I could probably have been less general in the title of my email series, but given the evidence from my gal-pals, Ben's not the only one.

I'm sure there are men who aren't stupid, and most men aren't stupid all the time. There are even some stupid women. I've done plenty of stupid things. I work with lots of men who are intelligent contributing members of society. But now that I have a son who I feel is old enough to know the difference between a fun experiment and a really stupid idea, I realize that men can't help it. They started life as stupid boys. My brothers used to shoot arrows up in the air and try to run out of the way before they came down and impaled them. A couple of weeks ago Adlani was in the tub, and I noticed that his weewee looked a little funny. He had a few infections under his foreskin when he was a baby, so I moved in for a closer look. While I was holding his weewee and we were both looking at it, he started peeing - right in his own face! Just before that we went to one of Aliya's soccer games and Adlani got his head caught in the net. Yes, just like a fish. No, I didn't get a picture, but I have witnesses.

As further proof, I offer up the following video evidence:



Here are a few entries from my email series (Note that these all took place when I was pregnant with Norah and may contain TMI for some of you.):

6/26/06
Here's a funny one in the "proof that men are stupid" category.
On Saturday afternoon I asked Aliya why Adlani's hair was all wet. She said, "Because he stuck his head in the toilet. I told Daddy about it and he put some water on it. He put sanitizer on it too." So Adlani's hair was all stiff and full of Purell. At least it's probably germ-free. Maybe we're the stupid ones...they were born this way but we chose to bind ourselves to them for life.

8/15/06
Ben kissed me last week and I was like, "uhh...what's on your lip?" He said, "My pimple medicine." I said, "I don't think so...what's the name of your pimple medicine?" Ben: "Orajel." I knew that's what it was since my lip started going numb. One of my friends got really mad at her husband and she put Orajel on his toothbrush so when he brushed his teeth his mouth went numb and he thought he was having a stroke. I'm saving that one for a big fight. I shouldn't be surprised by Ben's use of Orajel to fight pimples...he was using Shout the other day to clean the kiddie pool, and...one for the TMI category...he couldn't find the "personal lubricant" and was looking for an alternative...he yells out from the bathroom, "What's this Balmex stuff?" At least it might have helped with the diaper rash I'm bound to get from the pee-pee pads I have to wear 24 hours a day. Apparently his philosophy is that anything in a spray bottle is all-purpose cleaner, anything in a small tube is zit cream, and anything in a large tube is lubricant. One time I caught him just before he put Blue Emu (like Ben-Gay or Icy-Hot) on Adlani's bum, so I guess anything in a tub is diaper cream.

8/31/06
Ben somewhat redeemed himself by making the 1/2 mile drive to Target to buy the treatment for my new friend Hemmy Rhoid but when he couldn't find Tucks, he came home with Tums. At least Tucks and Tums both start with T-U and end with S. And they're both in the health and beauty aids section. He could have come back with turnovers, or tulips, or tubas, turkeys, tutus, turnips, tunas, turtles, tumbleweeds, or even turds. Actually, several of those would be preferable over Tums. Maybe I should put a Tums between my butt-cheeks. I'll be so busy trying to hold it there, I might forget that someone new has moved into the neighborhood.
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No Peeing

Last week Aliya asked me "What does a sign mean when it has a 'P' with a circle and a line through it?" In a moment of evil amusement I told her it meant "No Peeing." I don't know what possessed me to say that because I normally answer her questions truthfully and explain things to her satisfaction without giving more than the required amount of details on the more sensitive topics.

We were driving home today and she blurted out, "Why would there be a 'No Peeing' sign in front of a house? Who would pee in someone's driveway anyway??"

I felt a little guilty when I explained that I had just been kidding and that it meant "No Parking."

In her most indignant voice she said, "So you thought it would be funny to allow me to believe the wrong thing for a whole week."

Luckily, she didn't tell her friends. ;-)
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Wild Turkey

The 'Ham is being over-run by wild turkeys. We saw two the other day and while we were watching, one yanked a big fat worm out of the ground and gulped it down. Yum!!


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Dear Abby

I saw this letter to Dear Abby this week and it struck a chord...

DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your column most of my adult life, but I don't ever remember seeing any letters from people who are just afraid of life.

The world today is such a scary place. I have a small child who will have to grow up in this world, and sometimes the thought terrifies me. I hear about school shootings, dangerous gangs, religious leaders who are sex offenders, and I recently watched a report of six teenage girls beating another and videotaping it to post online.

How can parents feel safe raising our kids in a world this crazy and scary? I am trying to look for the positive in life, but, honestly, it gets harder and harder.

-- MISSING THE OLD DAYS IN ARIZONA CITY

DEAR MISSING THE OLD DAYS: I agree, bad things do sometimes happen to good people. However, you can't live your life as though the Hammer of Thor is about to strike you down, and if you maintain your fearful attitude, you could pass it along to your child.

While I can't guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen to you or anyone else, please allow me to remind you that the news media earn their income from magnifying the tragic, the scary and anything that deviates from the norm -- whether it be a murder, a car wreck or a five-legged cow.

The time has come for you to turn off your television set, tune out talk radio, and take your child to a park, a playground, a zoo or any family outing. It's a sure way to detoxify yourself from the negativity that has poisoned your outlook. Do it for two weeks, and I can almost guarantee you'll feel better than you do today.
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Here are some more classic (and true!) Dear Abby letters:
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dearabby.asp

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

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Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

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Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

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Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

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Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything - and said it would never happen again.

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Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

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Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

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Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

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Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

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Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered - I think she is going through mental pause.

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Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well my husband lost all interest in sex - and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
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Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Soccer in the rain, breakfast with Mom, a swimming lesson, a play date, dinner out with friends, The End.
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Well It's a Marvelous Night for a Moonbounce

A couple of weeks ago I unexpectedly had to take Norah to a birthday party for one of Adlani's friends. Aside from the birthday boy's little sister, all of the guests were 4-5 year old boys, so Norah had to wait until they were otherwise occupied to have her chance in the moonbounce. She loved it! It reminded me of Aliya's first moonbounce experience at the Spencer Fair, where I had to go inside to get her when her time was up.
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Norah had a great time at the party...I'm not so sure about the birthday boy's little sister. The Little Ninja is used to fighting for what she wants, so she carjacked the Cozy Coupe and took over at the sandbox. We need to work on her social skills a little.
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Tumblebus!!

Jana has prevailed in the search for a different type of birthday party! Happy Birthday Aden!! I had never even heard of a Tumblebus but it was really cool. All of the seats were removed (except the driver's) and the walls and floor were padded, with a slide, rings, a climbing wall, a mini trampoline, a balance beam, and a zip line. They somehow managed to play parachute games in the bus, and they also did the limbo. The kids loved it!

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http://tumblebus.com/
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In Other News...

IMO...she looks like she has an extra butt on her chest but to each her own.

Woman Aims For Breast Implant Record

Did you know breast implants were developed in Houston nearly fifty years ago?

The popularity of breast implants keeps on growing, while they're certainly not for everyone.

The National Cancer Institute is conducting a study to determine the long-term health effects associated with silicone breast implants, including any changes in breast cancer risk.

We met up with 28-year-old Sheyla Hershey during a recent photo shoot. She's a famous model and actress in Brazil. She says breast implants have given her a high self esteem for the first time in her life.

"I want to look better each day. Everyday. Everybody's got their dream inside. It's good when you can make you dream come true," Hershey said.

Eight years ago Sheyla weighed close to 200 pounds.

"I wasn't happy the way I used to look. That really depressed me."

Her whole life she wanted to be like country music star Dolly Parton.

"I was 9 years old and she was on TV on a concert in England. She was singing and I saw a beautiful angel."

Then she took it to the extreme. Her goal was to make history with the largest breasts. Now she's done that in country's version of the Guinness Book Of World Records with size 34 triple F.

"It's kind of serious. My doctor he says he don't want to operate on me no more. Because in 5 years I've changed 8 times."

Sheyla's implants are filled with a thousand CCs or two quarts of silicone.

Local plastic surgeon Dr Joseph Perlman says most of his patients choose less than half that size. The average woman is probably a 3-400 CC implant.

"Well, a lot of doctors say I might have a huge problems with back pain but so far I've never had any problems so I might do have in the future," she says.

Dr Perlman says the worst problem women face with large implants is back and shoulder pain.

"The other problems that can happen with a breast implant is you're putting a piece of foreign material in your body and your body naturally forms a barrier around it. Just the same as it forms scar tissue around a splinter or scar tissue around a hip implant or a heart valve."

From Dr Perlman's experience, patients who choose larger implants tend to have more problems with that scar tissue and often have to go back to the operating room to have it removed.

Breast augmentation is certainly gaining popularity. The industry has skyrocketed 900% the past 15 years. In 1992 an estimated 32,000 woman in the US received breast implants. By 2002 that number jumped to 225,000. By 2007 it reached almost 350,000. While silicone implants were taken off the market because of possible health risks, the FDA re-approved them last year.

Sheyla feels better than ever about herself but others don't see it her way.

"I just don't like people to look at me and laugh at me."

http://www.myfoxphilly.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail?contentId=6486766&version=2&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=TSTY&pageId=1.1.1
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Michelle Duggar Pregnant With #18!!!

I have no clue how she can keep it together with 18 when I can't get out the door in the morning without wanting to go Ya-Ya. Meds??

health.discovery.com/convergence/duggars/duggarfamily.html

Duggar Family Fun Facts:

• Michelle’s been pregnant for 135 months of her life.
• Average number of months between Duggar births is 18.
• Estimated number of Duggar diapers to date is 90,000.
• The Duggars do approximately 200 loads of laundry each month.
• The Duggars feed their entire brood for less than $2,000 per month.
• The only person in the Duggar family whose name doesn’t start with "J" is Mom — Michelle.
• Every Duggar child learns to play both violin and piano.
• The family organizes their household chores by assigning "jurisdictions," so everyone knows exactly what their daily responsibilities are.
• The Duggars estimate all the family members combined have worked approximately 39,000 total hours building their new house.
• The Duggars are debt free.

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Fast-Forward 10 Years...

Parents Party in Parking Lot During Saline High School Prom
The Associated Press • May 9, 2008

PITTSFIELD TOWNSHIP — Authorities say a group of parents rented a bus to take their kids to Saline High School’s junior-senior prom, then got on board and drank beer in the parking lot.

Officials at the school in Washtenaw County’s Pittsfield Township say about 15 parents were joined by other adults Saturday. Deputy Director Elizabeth McGuire of the township police says they could face misdemeanor charges of consuming alcohol on school grounds.
Superintendent Scot Graden tells The Ann Arbor News the parents were discovered after a student was caught at the prom with alcohol. He says the student was on the bus at some point during the evening, but won’t say if that’s where the student got his alcohol.Graden says there’s no evidence that any of the students who took the bus knew the parents were going to drink.

http://www.battlecreekenquirer.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080509/NEWS01/305090029/1002
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I'm Famous!!!

The other day I was at Aliya's school and a tiny kindergartner (too young to be sarcastic) excitedly yelled, "HEY!!! I saw you on TV!!!" The video that I was in for the introduction to the Two-Way program was shown on the public access channel. I said, "I KNOW!!! I'm famous, huh??" She thought about it for a second and said, "Well, not that much." I guess I may not be the next Hannah Montana after all.

On another note, the same day while I was at school, the curriculum director told me that the principal wants Aliya and I to come to orientation for incoming kindergartners. They want Aliya to speak in front of the PARENTS!!! She's excited to do it and I think it will be great for the parents because I remember sitting there last year wondering if we had made the right choice. I hope Aliya's abilities will reassure them somewhat. A 5th grade teacher at her school told me that the Spanish they're hearing from her is similar to what they used to hear in 5th grade before they changed the model this year. Amazing!
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Eve's Side of the Story (Thanks Rachael!)

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
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Supermommy to the Rescue!!!

Yesterday we were heading to a play date and I decided to swing by Whole Foods with all 3 kids. I should have learned a long time ago that there is no "swinging by" anywhere with 3 kids, and that no container of cut-up fruit was worth hauling all of them into the store. BUT...you know me. I think I'm invincible. So I load Norah into a carriage and the other two are walking because the carriages at Whole Foods (and Trader Joe's by the way) are too small for Adlani to fit into the basket comfortably, plus I've been hearing about some kooks who get upset about the germ factor of putting kids into the basket and the last thing I need on a Sunday morning is flak from a fellow shopper. Just a word on the germophobia...have they ever considered what gets on the carts while they're out in the parking lot? Acid rain, bird poop, caterpillar slime? Or the fact that the last person who pushed the carriage probably didn't wash their hands after they *dropped the kids off at the pool*? Whatever.

So I make it into the store, select my cut-up fruit, and head for the register. That was just too easy, so Aliya knocks 6 packs of blueberries off the giant stack of blueberry packs, and I have to stop to pick them up, scoop up the loose berries and stuff them back in the packs...
Take THAT Germophobes!!... and pile them back up for the next kid who walks by. I make my way to one of the two open registers...Whole Foods isn't that busy at 10 o'clock on a Sunday morning, right?...and somehow complete the transaction while holding Norah down as she tries to stand up in the carriage seat, thwarting Aliya's attempts to buy several $3.99 individual truffles, and preventing Adlani from wandering out into the parking lot.

We get out through the air curtain and I have the brilliant idea to leave the carriage at the in-store carriage return because God forbid some carriage collector will see me leaving the carriage out in the parking lot. I exit the store carrying Norah, the cut-up fruit, my keys and wallet (maybe it's time for me to break down and carry a pocketbook), while holding Adlani's hand and keeping tabs on Aliya. On the way to the car I notice a guy just getting ready to drive off with his coffee on the roof of the car. I veer over toward him and start gesturing frantically with the cut-up fruit and the hand holding Adlani's. Since that didn't elicit any reaction other than possibly causing him to drive away faster because a crazy lady was waving her cut-up fruit and her 3-year-old at him, I used my only free appendage, my left foot (raised high and proud), to point at the coffee while balancing on my right foot, holding Norah, the cut-up fruit, my keys, my wallet, and Adlani's hand. I simultaneously mouthed the words, "YOUR COFFEE'S ON THE ROOF!!!"

He finally got it and I veered back toward my own car and secured everyone before heading to the play date. As we drove away Aliya said, "At first when we were walking I didn't know why you started walking the wrong way. And then I realized that you're always looking for a crime to help because you're SUPERMOMMY!" I usually use my pseudonym sarcastically...as in "Of course I can brush your hair even though I'm already brushing Adlani's teeth, tying Norah's shoes, and cooking breakfast...I'm SUPERMOMMY!" But I think it's caught on because lately when Adlani can't get my attention by repeating "Mommy?" multiple times, he says "Supermommy?" and it works every time.

Here I am in my Supermommy ensemble:
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And here's my trusty sidekick Spiderdog:


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And my friend and fellow crime-fighter, Supermom (I can't divulge her identity but her boobs really look like that.):


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Happy Mother's Day to all of you Supermoms out there!!!
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Time Tested Beauty Tips

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.
Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!
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--Sam Levenson
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